Hearing a doctor say, “You have cancer,” can be a life-altering moment — the first of many during the journey of cancer treatment. When my doctor told me I had cancer, I was completely caught off guard. Cancer was not a part of my self-identity at all.
Before cancer, I thought of myself as a good, decent, healthy, effective, hard-working person who deserved good things in life. The cancer diagnosis made me question the roots of who I am.
The American Cancer Society states, matter-of-factly, “A cancer diagnosis can affect the emotional health of patients, families, and caregivers. Common feelings include . . . anxiety, distress, and depression.”
This statement, while factual, doesn’t seem to capture the deep, complex, and far-reaching effects of a cancer diagnosis to an individual’s image of self.
So many questions flooded my mind:
Was I really a healthy person, or was I killing myself with bad choices? Was I exercising enough, or was I a hopeless weakling? Was I eating the right foods? Was I getting enough sleep? Was I too stressed out? Was it the water or the food or the mattress or the deodorant or the sunshine or the sunscreen that gave me cancer?
And, the kicker: Why did I deserve this?
Even if you survive the physical ravaging of cancer and cancer treatment, you will probably never feel like quite the same person you were before cancer.
Cancer causes both a physical and an emotional dis-ease. To wax poetic for a moment — cancer can cause you to look death in the face, to realize you are mortal, your years limited, and your days precious.
Cancer can cause you to feel weak and tiny in the world, unequal to the task of striving, competing, and succeeding in your life. Where there was before confidence, after cancer there is confusion, turmoil, and self-doubt.
How can you maintain your sense of self in the face of such a challenge? Is it possible? Yes! Traumatic events like cancer diagnosis and treatment can make knowing who you are and living according to your self-identity more difficult. But not impossible! With a little effort, you can come out of the weeds of cancer more confident and self-aware than you were before!
Building Your Self-Identity During Cancer Treatment
1. Realize you are still you, and your journey is different from anyone else’s journey. Even though this crazy, awful thing has come into your life, you are still you! What do you love? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What do you value? What do you need? Cancer diagnosis and treatment does not change who you are, even if it makes you feel like it does. In fact, if you allow it to, the journey of cancer can reveal even more of yourself.
As you process what is happening to you and as you go through treatment, pay attention to what YOU think and how YOU feel. Undoubtedly, people will come out of the woodwork with their own experiences with cancer. Sometimes it can be helpful to hear about others’ experiences, but keep in mind that THEIR experiences are THEIR experiences. There’s a good chance your treatment will go differently, you will face different challenges, and you will feel differently about things.
You are your own person with your own feelings and your own strengths and weaknesses! Listen to others, but don’t think you have to have the same kinds of thoughts and feelings as other people. Focus on your own thoughts and feelings without judgement
2. Accept your feelings, and be kind to yourself no matter how ugly you feel. Cancer treatment is hard! There is no getting around that. There will be days you feel sick, ugly, miserable, tired, gross, or just done with the whole thing. That’s fine! Don’t fight it. Accept yourself for who you are and what you’re going through in that moment.
If possible, when you’re feeling low, take an emotional step away and be an objective observer. You’re going through a hard time — this would be hard for anyone! It’s okay to be emotional, upset, miserable, tired, and gross. Accept that you can’t always feel how you want to feel. Tell yourself that you’re lovable and valuable. No matter what you’re going through, it’s still you.
3. Find ways to connect with yourself regularly during treatment. I get a lot out of journaling, going for walks alone in nature, and watching a favorite show or reading a favorite book, but there are many ways to connect with yourself — probably as many ways as there are people! What fuels you, gives you energy? What makes you feel like happy and secure? What brings you a sense of calm, confidence, or wholeness? Even if it’s just for a moment every day, it’s good to nurture yourself as a whole person separate from the disease.
With a little effort, it is possible to come out of the weeds of cancer more confident and self-aware than you were before!
4. See the challenges of cancer treatment as a pathway to expanding your self-identity. Cancer treatment is a long and challenging process, not one that anyone would choose. But challenges in life can help us grow in ways the good times can’t.
I’ll relate a quick story from my own experience to illustrate the point (though remember this is my experience–yours might be different!) …
When I first learned I had cancer, I asked my surgeon how long treatment would take. She said a year or more. I panicked! I had never had a single surgery in my life up to that point. A root canal, which took all of an hour one afternoon, was probably the longest medical procedure I had experienced. Now I was facing at least a year full of doctor’s appointments, poking, prodding, tests and scans, surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and more.
Not fun!
Before beginning treatment, I did not think I was capable of handling something like that. Now, after treatment, I know that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I had many moments of fear, insecurity, overwhelm, and upset along the way, but I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned to be kind to myself, to believe in myself, to take things one day at a time, to know that things will get better. I am more confident in myself now than I was before cancer because I had the opportunity to test myself, to do something I thought I couldn’t do.
I still don’t look back on cancer treatment as a “good” thing! But I have learned things from the experience that will benefit me through the rest of my life, and that is a good thing.
5. Make self-identity an integral part of your life. This is a habit from which you can reap rewards for the rest of your life. It’s not enough to pay attention to yourself once in a while. I don’t like to tell people what they “should” do, but in this case, I think it is warranted: We should all be paying attention to ourselves every day!
When you know yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs and wants, you will be more equipped to order your life in a way that supports you rather than drains you. In other words, you have to be clear inwardly before you can be clear outwardly. How can you tell others around you what you need if you don’t know yourself?
I spent a lot of years going through the motions, doing things for other people, putting myself last, not honoring my own feelings and needs. During cancer treatment, I was forced to pay attention to my needs–it was not a choice. My own physical, mental, and emotional needs were often my #1 priority. I had to take care of myself whether I wanted to or not. Though it wasn’t fun at the time, now I realize how important that lesson was. It is not a luxury or a choice to take care of ourselves! Cancer taught me that. Now, I spend a little time each day getting to know myself better, and I am already reaping the rewards.
I still don’t look back on cancer treatment as a “good” thing! But I have learned things from the experience that will benefit me through the rest of my life, and that is a good thing.
You Are Not the Cancer!
Cancer is a very scary, sometimes life-threatening disease. The National Cancer Institute estimates that, in 2020, about 1.8 million Americans will learn they have cancer and about 600,000 are estimated to die of the disease. It’s a serious business.
Traumatic events, like a cancer diagnosis, can shake your self-identity, making you question your strengths, your values, and even your worth. Dealing with these changes and developing the courage to make decisions that honor who you are is the tough and bloody meat of life, but doing this work, even in the midst of tough challenges, can ultimately help you understand yourself better and can strengthen your confidence to deal with whatever life throws at you.
YOU can do it!
Author Bio: Jennifer Forbess is a freelance writer who makes her home in Bend, Oregon. Her cancer treatments weren't a lot of fun, but they were effective. Most importantly, the lessons learned are priceless. Do you need a health writer with credibility? Contact Jennifer Forbess